Reverend Gage of Christian Reading Always Carefullly Keeps People Off Things Ministries Stops Witch Burning in Nick of Time
A recent attempt to convert a witch at the Free Viewrigde Evangelical church got out of hand Wednesday night as the bonfires were nearly lit. Police were almost called on the scene, but Reverend Zeke Gage arrived on the scene in the nick of time. Dr. Will Smith, an advisor to the ministry stood over the stake of an allegedly unrepentant Wiccan with a torch in hand.
"Well, the Bible does say 'Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Live," commented Gage of Christian Reading Always Carefully Keeps People Off Things Ministries, "but sometimes in our zeal for the gospel things can get a little out of hand. It seems that Dr. Smith had been reading a little too much of the Old Testament and he had forgotten the message of Jesus of forgiveness and redemption. Only when a witch refuses to repent should be put to death and preferably not by fire. She'll have plenty of time to burn in the fires of Hell if she refuses to recant her evil ways."
Overzealous members had captured and kidnapped Mrs. Dorothy Jones, a Wiccan High Priestess and Unitarian Universalist minister at the local UU congregation. Before any deprogramming sessions or baptisms can be conducted the people gathered the fire wood and placed it around the crudely conducted stake that had until recently served as a flagpole. Children eagerly gathered around the potential fire with hot dog and marshmallow roasting forks in hand. According to Dr. Smith, it was vital that the youth of today see the proper way to treat people who are in violation of God's law.
With a copy of the new testament in hand, Reverend Gage cited passaged from the gospel about how to make things right with our creator and the crowd backed down. Gage, as well as Miss Jones breathed a sigh of relief as Andrea Johnson, under the Gage's direction untied the Wiccan High Priestess.
"Starting the fire before giving the witch a chance to recant may have been wrong, but we could not release her back into the public yet. We know she had been endangering young souls by teaching nature worship and we were investigating reports that she might have been a lesbian. The Good Lord can work miracles, but only if the people are willing to change their ways. What else could we do but give her the chance to recant."
When asked if she would reject Satan and all of His Evil Ways, Miss Jones refused, stating that she did not worship the Prince of Darkness, but instead worshiped a God and Goddess figure. Several members of CRACKPOT shook their heads in sadness as they prepared once again to light the fire.
"There was nothing more we could do. She clearly wanted to maintain her sinful ways and would have been resistant at our attempts to show her the true light of Christ," said Andrea Johnson, former Journalist and member of the organization.
The choir sent her off with Amazing Grace and the good Reverend prayed for her. "May God have mercy on her soul and make sure she gets put in a nice section of hell," He concluded as the shrieks finally stopped. Funeral services for the late Miss Jones will be held Monday.