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Sports Briefs: Voodoo Doll Child


Ralphie: Can i just say that i didn't like the half time show at the super bowl. i watched wipe out it was great!
Chris: Are you referring to Joe or to Bruce Springsteen? Mexican Radio Shacks were making voodoo dolls of United States soccer players. Is it possible that Phil Collins or Flock of Seagulls had a pin inserted in a plush Bruce?

Brad: Voodoo dolls? Aren't they them dancin' girls? You know the ones you see from Hollywood? Mexico must be desperate to resort to that kind of thing. Can't say I blame 'em . . . If Mexico doesn't beat the U.S. at soccer, what do they have? Basketball? Nope! Football? Laughable. Hockey? HAHA! I'm going to see if I can buy a voodoo doll that looks like Joe. Do they make 'em that wrinkly?

Joe: This whole voodoo doll gimmick is a giant hoax. And, I can prove it. Allegedly, voodoo coupons can be redeemed at the local Radio Shack. C'mon, this old geezer obviously wasn't born yesterday. Radio Shack has been closed for nearly a decade. What? It's still open? And, people are still purchasing second-rate electronics at premium prices? No wonder our economy is in the toilet; yet we're still better off than our southern border brethren.

Chris: After an exhaustive search on Craigslist, eBay and the back of my neighbor's truck, I am hereby declaring honorable mention in a column to anyone who sends me one of the plush US soccer dolls . . . or a bag of Cheetos.

Ralphie: Hey christopher, does your wife have a voodoo doll of you?

Brad: I have used voodoo doll strategy countless times. You never know when it's going to work. One time, I was at a Niners game and bought a Mike Singletary bobblehead doll. Let's just say I might of had something to do with him going down to his skippies. I think Americans should go out and buy Mexican soccer player dolls, so that we kind balance out the voodoo ratio in our favor. Though, it could be easier if we just tightened our borders. U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!

Joe: I used a voodoo medallion once. I was in Hawaii with my family as a teenager. And, we went for a hike in the caves. One of my brothers (I had two younger brothers and three step-sisters) gave it to me as a gift right before my big surfing competition. It turns out the voodoo medallion was cursed! I wiped out bad. It took a week to figure out how bad the spill was. Fortunately, I was OK. Eventually, after a couple of other unfortunate coincidences involving the medallion, a spider and our maid, Alice, we chucked the thing into the ocean and retreated to Burbank Studios in our three-bedroom house. Oh, those were the days.

Chris: Sounds like a very Brady curse.

Ralphie: Someone must have a doll of Joe or else he wouldn't be moving around so much.

Joe: Ralphie, what do you know, your parents aren't even old enough to recall my obscure sitcom references . . . The dolls can be purchased at Radio Shack, remember? There's not a chance that they are going to work. By the way, how is playing in front of 70,000 pro-Mexican fans in Mexico City that much different than playing in front of 69,997 fans in Columbus, Ohio?

Ralphie: I think that is so stupid. I think that is cheating!

Brad: Do your research; voodoo dolls don't work unless you are over 18.

Ralphie: No i wouldn't want to do that.

Brad: I don't think voodoo doll strategy is cheating. Both teams have the same opportunities to implement voodoo dolls into their game plans. Mexico's enthusiasm for voodoo dolls may be a little overzealous, but it might help them in the long run . . . They're going to need something to hold onto after they LOSE!

Joe: Brad, you're just bitter because you had to settle for employment at Radio Shack after Circuit City closed shop.

Chris: Between the 3-foot long plastic horns, team scarves and now voodoo dolls, soccer fans have the most exciting paraphernalia this side of cheeseheads in sports. This may be in order to entertain themselves, due to the product on the field being slightly more pulsating than watching a documentary entitled "How I Grew My Beard." But at least with the U.S. vs. Mexico, there is a slight chance for Pancho Villa to show up wearing a No. 10 jersey and ammunition belt.

Joe: You're just bitter because you've been exposed as a guy who still likes to play with dolls.

Brad: Blah, blah, blah, you're from Texas . . . The Mehicans are gonna get ya if they lose. Remember the Alamo!